Five Fingered Mary Sue
by Ariana Lussier
Summary: The men and women of BPRD have to deal with a new member with an incredibly, um, disruptive presence. Warning: silliness ahead. I tried to keep the sex out, but it sneaked in anyway... HB/Liz/Abe/Nuala/Nuada/Johann/OC and yes, you read that right.
1. Chapter 1

**Five Fingered Mary Sue **  
by Ariana Lussier

**Disclaimer:** _Not mine. Now now. Not ever. Only daydreams and sleepless nights, which is all I can contribute to the cause. _

**Author's Note:**_ The title makes about as much sense as the rest of the story. Random silliness. Don't ask what I was thinking, 'cause I ain't too sure of that m'self. Takes place after HB2 and the twins are alive. I used a fanfic wand. I'm aiming for short chapter this time, maybe I can fool myself into updating more frequently. _

pher·o·mone (fěr'ə-mōn') n. A chemical secreted by an animal, especially an insect, that influences the behavior or development of others of the same species, often functioning as an attractant of the opposite sex.

* * *

**17 Nov 08, 0323 hours**

"Uh, sir... Sir? Do you have a moment?"

Tom Manning looked up from more blurry photos of Hellboy and frowned at Agent Mudd. The young recruit was as fuzzy as the pictures spread out on his desk. Manning checked his watch and couldn't read it. Rubbing his eyes roughly, he looked again. The digital face read 3:26 and he sighed. Agent Mudd was clear again as well. Unfortunately, all those pictures of Hellboy were clearer too. A migraine wiggled its way behind his right eye. Even though Hellboy had outed the BPRD to the evening news, Manning still suppressed photos and videos whenever he found out about them. Washington had never told him to stop doing so. "What is it?" he said wearily, feeling an acidic coil in the pit of his stomach and opened a new roll of Tums.

Mudd, unlike Manning, looked like he'd just gotten to work and was ready to take on the day. His gray suit was in much better shape than Manning's dark blue one, but Manning had been in his for nearly twenty four hours now. "Uh, it's Agent Lincson, sir. She's early." Mudd looked a little agitated, and Manning couldn't figure out why.

Probably caught an earlier flight. It wasn't uncommon for a new agent to arrive at a different time than Washington estimated. Manning leaned back and opened his desk drawer, sweeping the photos on top into it with a swipe of his hand. Another drawer held her dossier and he removed the file and flipped through it. Reviewing the details had been on his to-do list after he'd gotten some sleep. His fatigue-reddened eyes skimmed over the small type, then froze. "Is this a typo?" he asked. "Stationed at forty different field offices in the last three and a half years?"

Mudd shook his head, "Probably not, sir. She's a real looker."

Manning frowned at him. "That wasn't very professional."

"Sorry, sir."

Manning turned his eyes back to the dossier. He flipped two pages up to see her photo and blanched. "A cat!?"

"Actually, I think the term the Bureau is using now is felinoid. Kind of a cat-woman, so to speak."

"'Disruptive presence... inappropriate behavior... questionable social interactions...'," Manning read. He snapped the file shut again. "Why is she even an agent?" More to the point, why was she here, in his jurisdiction?

The younger man fidgeted with his tie. "I think she'd be in more danger out there than in here. I don't think that report's very accurate anyway. She's really nice," his eyes got a faraway look in them as he smiled. "Really, really nice... Whatever happened, I know it's not her fault. She's just..."

The senior agent scowled at him. "You can stop that. Right there, right now. If you can't behave professionally, I'll have to write you a formal reprimand."

"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

Lincson... Katya Lincson. Just under five feet tall, blue eyes, black hair all over. Manning had never seen a furry agent up close. He blinked eyes that felt grainy and hot at an underlined passage. "Why is there a warning here about the facility's air circulation system? We do check it twice a month, don't we?"

Mudd nodded, "On the first and fifteenth, like clockwork."

Manning shook his head and dismissed it. "Well, I guess I'd better go talk to her and set down some ground rules."

"She's waiting outside," Mudd said. "Want me to call her in?"

"Do that," Manning replied, rebuttoning his collar and straightening his tie. "I won't have any agent causing trouble on my watch."

Mudd let her in, and Manning took a breath to launch into a lecture, only to gape as his mouth fell open silently in shock. Her photo didn't do her justice. Small and rounded in that way that only pulp detective novels could describe, she was wearing a soft gray vest and jeans that only accentuated every... silken... curve... He yanked his eyes back up to her face. Felinoid, Mudd had said, and it was certainly catlike enough to be alien, but Manning found it very exotic. Longer black hair cascaded down over her shoulders and back and he wondered what it felt like. Then he wondered what the rest of her fur felt like. _Does that fur go... _everywhere_?_ he wondered.

"Well... Agent Lincson," he said.

She purred, actually purred, in response and his knees turned to water.

"Uh... welcome... to, uh... the BPRD," his tongue didn't seem to want to work. Not on words anyway. "Since your other, uh, assignments have been brief, I think we need to make sure..." she blinked and the light flashed an eldritch sapphire in the depths of her eyes. Slit pupils were so hot. "...m-make sure, that is, that you receive your orientation here, so, uh..."

Mudd spoke up quickly, "I can do that, sir!" Lincson smiled at him and purred again. He gave her a goofy grin.

"No, no, no," Manning said. "I am the senior agent here. It's my responsibility. Let's, uh... Is her room ready?" At Mudd's nod, Manning added, "Then, it may be best that she- you, Agent Lincson, that is - remain in your room studying the orientation material and, uh, other stuff. Once you've completed orientation to my satisfaction-" he swallowed hard as she winked, "-I'll introduce you to the rest of the team."

"What if I have questions?" she asked in a throaty voice. The sound of it ran along his spine like a stroke of velvet.

"Well, I think it's only, uh, to your benefit if I'm available... at all times... to explain our, uh, procedures..."

"In my room?" she asked innocently. Manning bit his lip. A small part of him wondered how quickly he could get her transferred out of the BPRD headquarters. The rest of him was preoccupied with the seductive swish of her tail. It was so much more graceful than Hellboy's.


	2. Chapter 2

**20 Nov 08, 1540 hours**

"To see the world in a grain of sand," Nuala's sweet murmur wound its way into Abe's ears. "And all of Heaven in a wildflower..."

Her head was bent over a book of poetry by William Blake, and soft strands of white and gold veiled her face. He reached up to pull back her hair, earning a brief pause in the reading, as he stroked the silken hair back behind her ear. A sprig of nasturtium, the tiny blooms a deep shade of blue-violet, was tucked there as well.

She glanced up at him with a smile warming her amber eyes as he deliberately let his fingertips linger on the delicate point of her ear. He smiled in return, letting his hand fall away slowly, thankful that he'd only had to endure forty-seven practice sessions with her brother before Nuada had grudgingly accepting their budding relationship. Abe had to periodically submit to more sessions to keep that acceptance, though a part of him suspected that the Elven prince simply enjoyed running him cruelly around the gym.

Abe had once confided to Hellboy that he would gladly die and do the dishes for his true love, and Abe believed that somehow Nuada had managed to hear him and meant to see how serious he was about that vow. There were several faint scars crisscrossing Abe's blue-on-blue patterned skin, and the worst of the bruises from the last encounter were finally fading.

"A wildflower pales in comparison to Heaven," he said softly, his large eyes indicating the blossoms beside her face.

Her cheeks darkened with a dusting of gold as she blushed and looked back down to continue. "Hold infinity in the palm of your hand," she read, her lips forming each word with the utmost grace. "And eternity in an hour."

As she spoke, he took her hand, the one not holding the book, and raised it to his lips. "Love seeketh not itself to please," he murmured against her pearlescent skin. "Nor for itself hath any care... But for another gives it's ease, and builds a heaven in hell's despair."

She turned her hand in his so that his kiss fell upon her palm and cupped that hand around his cheek...

**20 Nov 08, 1815 hours**

Hellboy growled again and Liz giggled. A tortoiseshell kitten pounced the tip of his tail once more and the demon yanked it away. Perversely, this only made the cat more certain that it was a grand game, and she went after the tail again, this time sinking her claws in to make sure it didn't escape.

"Ow!" he yelped and Liz burst out laughing. The rest of their cats were forming furry puddles on and around the couple as they lounged on the oversized pickup truck bed. Every one of them was either asleep or drowsing, except for the tortoiseshell who had become Hellboy's Tail Enemy Number One. He wrapped that tail around the cat, gritting his teeth as the feline twisted and sank her teeth into it, and deposited her on the floor. She leaped right back up and pounced the tip again.

"Persistent, isn't she?" his lover murmured, laughter still bubbling her throat.

He grinned down at her, loving these moments when she was relaxed and happy. It made him feel like he was worthy of her. His brimstone eyes tracked down her face from the luscious mouth and small chin to the graceful curve of her throat where it met her collarbone. He ignored the cat's continued assault on his tail as he bent his head down to kiss that spot.

Hellboy casually flicked his tail, causing the cat to jump away in surprise. Liz laughed and he smiled as the sound vibrated over his lips. His left hand went from his hip to her stomach, his fingers teasing under the edge of her shirt to touch the skin there. She giggled again, "Feeling frisky?"

"Mhmm," he replied, sliding his hand up under her shirt to seek the soft rise of her breasts...

**20 Nov 08, 1950 hours**

The caressing sound of fine sandpaper whispered in the room. Gloved hands handled a tiny wardrobe with even more delicate carving with extraordinary care. The finest grade sandpaper available gently buffed away minute splinters left by a craftsman who was less than precise. The dim lighting gleamed off the rounded dome of Johann Kraus' helmet, containing the swirling mists of his "body."

As he smoothed away the last splinter and corrected an uneven edge, he set the wardrobe reverently in the upstairs bedroom of a massive Victorian dollhouse. He'd overheard many of the American agents whispering about his mental state and private preferences when word had got out of the Austrian agent's hobby. He did not care. His mental state was not questioned by his superiors, and his private preferences... well, that was laughable, all things considered. For him, the collection, inspection and improvement of the miniature furniture was a soothing rhythm that settled his mind whenever it became restless. It had nothing to do with wanting to play with dolls - in fact, not a single effigy inhabited the house. Only beautiful furnishings and decorations made up the small world of the house.

He looked at the furniture in the bedroom again, noting absently that rather than one bed, the Victorian-themed furnishings were two narrow beds set side by side. He cocked his helmet a little to one side, pondering that. Victorian homes, whether they be dollhouses or depicted in media, always had separate beds. It seemed incongruous, especially when it was perfectly obvious to him that due to the population growth of Victorian peoples, only one bed was ever really needed...

**20 Nov 08, 2320 hours**

The soft notes floated through the air, cavorting with his exhalations to drift throughout the gym. Nuada had given up on weapons practice hours earlier, finding naught but increasing agitation with the activity that normally gave him a mental and physical focus for his energy. Solitary practices were his preference, though he did rather enjoy thrashing the fishman on a regular basis. None of the other agents offered any real challenge and as for the one called Hellboy... the prince had swiftly deduced the demon's several weaknesses in barehanded and melee combat, but he had quickly wearied of Hellboy's habit of continually reminding him of that one... solitary... challenge... No matter how brutally he beat down the demon, there was always a smirk and a wink to herald the inevitable, "You're improving, toothpick. Much better than when I kicked your ass in Ireland."

If not for vows both direct and implied, Nuada would have carved the irreverent infernal into small pieces long ago. And there was also Elizabeth. Many powers were at Nuada's command, but being fireproof was not one of them. He wasn't certain his speed would save him from an explosive nova of flame from a vengeful harpy.

_They deserve each other_, he thought sourly. His greatest entertainment came from those nights when they argued. Elizabeth Sherman had quite the vocabulary, and the prince was never going to tire of watching the demon get tossed about like a doll when her temper was up.

The carved silver flute in his fingers glimmered in the harsh lights from above, sending white flickers to slither over his ivory skin. He'd persisted in his practice until exertion had compelled him to strip off his shirt - an action that had been accompanied by a strangely disembodied whistle, whose source in nearly two months with the human agency he had never been able to locate. He had finally resolved to simply ignore the whistle whenever it sounded, particularly when he was in the shower. Nuada was reclining back on one elbow on the blue vinyl practice mats, his fingertips caressing the holes of his flute as he bent his head down to touch his dark lips to it once more.

Music was settling his spirit better than exercise tonight. He had begun with a rousing troll battle-march, but it had felt too harsh and rough for his tastes. Eventually, as he played whatever melody emerged from his long memory, the music had given way to love songs - such ballads of beauty and pulse-quickening emotion as had not been heard in this world for centuries...


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note: Tell me, what kind of Mary Sue story would this be without a shameless self-insertion?_

* * *

**23 Nov 08, 0800 hours**

Jaws dropped as the new agent was introduced. Male jaws, that is. The female ones set in annoyance. This time, Lincson was wearing a simple red v-necked t-shirt and black leather pants that looked like they'd been painted on. Her silken tail swished slowly from side to side, and several sets of eyes followed the pendulum motion.

"Now, Agent Lincson has been brought fully up to speed on our procedures," Manning said, adjusting his tie as he took his eyes off the tail. "So, starting today, she'll begin full bureau duties with us, including missions."

Liz nudged Hellboy, then stomped on his foot when subtle just didn't work. "Close your mouth, _dear_," she hissed. His mouth snapped shut, but his eyes remained fixed on the felinoid. Liz remembered how much he adored cats, and wondered just how deep - and how perversely - that affection ran. She elbowed him hard in the ribs.

Nuala sighed a little. The reaction of the males was not the new agent's fault, yet the Elf could not help but feel a slight antagonism regardless. She pushed it away as being an emotion unfit for a princess and took Abe's hand, her mind reaching to touch his, only to find a wall blocking her. She puzzled over it, then realized that it was not intentional, merely an intense focus upon something else. Nuala glanced up at him, her amber eyes narrowing as his fixed stare at the felinoid explained exactly what - and who - her new lover was focused on.

She looked over at Nuada, expecting her twin to be regarding Abe with the full measure of annoyance that Nuala had pushed away, but instead saw that he was enraptured by the new agent too.

The irritation returned in spades bringing with it the beginnings of jealousy, and Nuala pulled her hand out of Abe's with a unladylike phrase muttered under her breath. Liz was close enough to hear it, however, and glanced at the princess with a sympathy and annoyance that mirrored Nuala's own. The princess nodded slightly to the briefing room door, wanting nothing more than to leave the males whose brains had ceased to function. Liz nodded and left Hellboy's side to leave the briefing room with her.

**23 Nov 08, 1145 hours**

It finally took Manning himself to shoo away the entirety of BPRD's male agents as they crowded around the new agent. True to the warnings in her file, she didn't politely rebuff them, or keep them at a professional distance. His mouth turned downwards in jealous distaste as she took time to touch, or sometimes hug, and speak with each individual agent. There were a fair number of hostile glances passed back and forth as her attention went to a different agent, but clearly she was not leaving the briefing room until she had flirted and purred to every single male agent.

Manning's memory unhelpfully supplied the full complement of the BPRD headquarters: _73 male agents, human; 14 female agents, human; 6 - no 7 - special agents, including a pyrokinetic with a temper, an ectoplasmic scientist, two members of Elven royalty, a fishstick on legs, a demon and... _her.

Fortunately, the weirdos had left early. Manning wondered if they were somehow immune to her attraction. The resentful glances from the female agents before they had left had assured him that they wouldn't be overly distracted by Lincson. His mind recalculated the odds: _73 human agents versus 20 human and special agents. _This could get ugly quick.

Hence, why he'd stepped in to head off another round of flirtation. "All right," he said irritably, putting a protective -honest!- arm around her satiny shoulders. "Look at yourselves. Is this how government agents conduct themselves in a professional setting? No!" he answered the question quickly. Manning let his glare sweep over the agents, easily cowing the newest ones and eventually making the veterans, like Agent Silver, back down with a hint of shame.

"Agent Lincson has had a long trip, and an even longer orientation. I think it's best if she goes back to her room to rest, or gets something to eat or... or whatever. But I want everyone to be perfectly clear on one thing - life will go on as normal, understand?"

Faint mutters and nods came from the agents. The ones that weren't giving him hostile looks were casting adoring glances at Lincson. She, for her part, met every one with a saucy wink and a come-hither wiggle of her hips. Manning didn't object out of hand, because each wiggle rubbed against his leg.

_Oh my God, is that her tail curling around my leg?_ he wondered, a sudden sweat breaking out on his forehead. He didn't dare look down; the jealous looks of the other agents told him all he needed to know.

The part of him that had earned the position of Assistant Director and the confidence of Washington over and over realized that this was not a good situation. He let go of Agent Lincson reluctantly, patting her shoulder in -he hoped- a paternal manner. "My dear," he said warmly, smiling as she turned those deep crystalline eyes up to him. "I'm sure you're curious about your new home. Feel free to explore, and don't hesitate to contact me if you need help of any kind."

"Thank you," she purred, stepping back and sliding past him to get to the door. He stiffened as he felt her fingers trail across the small of his back as she went. Questionable social interactions indeed. He halted the agents that started after her with an upraised hand. "All right, gentlemen. I think now is an excellent opportunity to review the federal government's sexual harassment policy and the heavy consequences of violating it."

* * *

Katya padded down the hallway casually, a sway to her hips that was poetical in its motion. She paused before a placard on the wall showing a sketched internal map of the complex. Her slit pupils flared with interest at the various areas near her room, the light catching in their depths and flashing a deep blue.

"Psst," came a low whisper.

Her silky ear twitched and she rotated her head slowly to follow the sound. Hellboy was peeking out from behind a corner, giving her a grin that was caught halfway between dashing and shy. The stone hand on his right arm came up and beckoned slightly for her to come closer. Gone was the oversized duster; the demon was wearing only a skintight black t-shirt and black leather pants, similarly modified as Katya's in the rear. The horns were freshly sanded down.

Katya smiled warmly at him, and his tail curled at the sight. She padded over to him, swishing her tail as she went. "Agent... Hellboy, if I recall?" she asked in that voice like dark chocolate. She stopped in front of him, close enough that they could feel the heat from each other's bodies.

Hellboy swallowed hard. "That's right, Agent Lincson," he replied.

"Katya, please," she murmured, the final word raising goosebumps on Hellboy's arms.

"Katya," he repeated. His yellow eyes glanced up and down the empty hallway, then he slid his left hand into his pocket. "I've been holding onto this for a while. Never really used it. Well, once or twice. Anyway, I want you to have it." He presented her with a pistol-shaped item.

Her large eyes blinked in some confusion as she looked at it, then glanced back up at him. "Mrrrow?" she churred.

His eyes slid shut at the sound, then snapped open again. "It's a key," he explained, thumbing the "trigger" so that a triangular shaft of metal shot from the end. "Key to my room, in fact. Later tonight?"

The felinoid looked at him slyly, and he felt a rush of heat under his belt. She nodded, reaching up to lazily trace her nails over his chest. "Later tonight," she said, her voice a throaty purr.

"Or..." he muttered as those nails sent shivers along his skin, "...we could go someplace now."

**23 Nov 08, 1248 hours**

Liz was fuming. In more ways than one. She stalked down the hallway, about halfway through a complete search of the complex to find Hellboy. She'd gone off with Nuala and the two of them had commiserated for a time, but when her lover hadn't shown up right away, Liz had begun to get annoyed.

That had soon bowed out in favor of angry, which had relinquished the stage in favor of truly pissed. _He'd better be unconscious or dead somewhere_, she thought. _Or I am going to-_

Exactly what she was going to do suddenly vanished from her mind as she turned a corner towards the gym area and saw _her_, Agent Slutson, in Hellboy's arms. Liz's mouth fell open in outrage. _That's _not _CPR he's doing!_

Looking almost diminutive in the demon's arms, the felinoid was wrapped around him as much as her sinfully flexible limbs would allow, and Liz couldn't quite decide whose tongue was farther down the other's throat. "Red!" she barked, feeling her temper fray and part as flames sprouted around her fingers.

The sharp sound of his nickname brought Hellboy's head up suddenly. He saw Liz, and his eyes widened. He glanced back down at Katya, still rubbing herself against him. "Uh, babe... this isn't what you think?"

"What?" Liz snarled and took a step forward. Fire bloomed along her hands. "Exactly what am I supposed to think you're doing, _sweetheart_? A redneck tonsillectomy? Maybe you were checking her lungs from the inside? Or maybe you were sucking face with another woman while the _mother of your children_ was watching. Could that be it, _my love_?"

He looked at her, the seductive kitten in his arms temporarily forgotten in the face of imminent peril. "I'm not going to live through this argument, am I?"

"Not if God has mercy on you," she retorted, closing the distance between them. "You should be running now," she added dangerously.

He ran, dropping the catlike agent to the ground. Katya made a purling sound of protest, then got to her feet with a sigh. She brushed off her bare arms, raking the sable fur back into place. A harsh clearing of a throat made her turn around slowly to face the enraged pyrokinetic, now fully wreathed in flame.

"I can't fry him," Liz said. "But I _can _fry you!" She reached and grabbed Katya's arms roughly, letting her anger loose to fuel the fire. Flame and concussion billowed around them, blasting the nearby lockers and gym equipment. Metal shrieked and peeled away from the onslaught, the tiled floor blackened and dissolved under their feet. The explosion had happened so quickly, Katya had never had a chance to even pull away.

After a few seconds of Armageddon, the flames died away as Liz stared at the other agent. Unhurt, unsinged, and absolutely untroubled, Katya stared calmly right back. "What the hell?"

Katya shrugged gracefully. "I'm sorry, Agent Sherman," she purred. "I don't get it either. I think Ari used what is called a _deus ex machina_ plot device here."

"If I can't burn you," Liz snapped, "I'll break you." She whirled away and went to an unburnt section of wall where a fire extinguisher sat in ironic and lonely splendor. Tearing it off the brackets, she spun around and hurled it right at Katya's unprotected head.

It bounced off with a clang, and Liz glared at Katya. The felinoid shrugged again, "Sorry, apparently I'm indestructible too. I think that's supposed to make me able to... er, handle larger equipment without injury." She glanced significantly in the direction Hellboy had fled and licked her lips with a bright pink tongue.

Liz turned her anger on a dark-haired figure in the corner, sitting cross-legged on the floor and tapping cheerfully on a laptop. Dressed in a gray sweatshirt, her bare feet poking out of faded jeans, the strange woman frowned slightly at the text on the screen. The tapping paused momentarily as the author pushed up her glasses and considered the next line of dialogue. The frown deepened suddenly as she reread the last few sentences and she slowly raised her head and paled to see Liz staring death at her.

"You..." the pyrokinetic growled. Ari snatched the laptop to her chest and bolted from the room. Liz dashed after her, "Oh, no you don't!" she shouted. "Get back here, you literary sadist!" Streamers of flame and superheated air ribboned back from her lithe form as she chased the author.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: Things are heating up, so to speak. I think it's painfully obvious which fangirl camp I belong to, but I hope I gave fair measure to the others. ;-) As always, these chapters are constantly being edited, so anything rough should be smoothed out shortly. If not, feel free to throw something heavy at me.  
_

* * *

Katya watched the two vanish with great interest, then shrugged it off. The story was still going, so Liz hadn't caught up to Ari. Yet. She padded down the other hallway where the demon had made his escape to delay the inevitable lover's spat that was looming larger with every second. The felinoid patted the pistol-shaped key in her pocket and wondered briefly if she could find Hellboy's room from the maps on the walls, and a low purr thrummed in her throat as she thought of the continuation of their interrupted passion.

A pair of white hands emerged from a shadowed alcove and snatched her back into its concealment. A surprised yowl was cut off as a bare muscled chest pressed her against the wall, trapping her in the corner. She looked up to see an unearthly beautiful Elf staring down at her, a dark wanting in the depths of his firegold eyes.

"I've been watching you," he murmured, keeping one hand against the wall to block an easy escape. The other traced a single finger down the side of her face and she shivered. "I'm glad you've amused yourself somewhat. Now, surely, you are tired of mere games and wish for something more..." he bent his head down to whisper across her lips, "intense?"

Katya turned her head to kiss his fingertip, catching it with her lips and teasing the tip with her tongue. She smiled as the prince shuddered with the unspoken promise of oral bliss. "Of course," she said, quickly forgetting Hellboy in Nuada's mesmerizing presence. "I live for intense."

"That is good to hear," he said huskily, sliding his hands around her waist and pulling her close to him. The felinoid wrapped herself around him, hooking her legs around his hips to nudge him provocatively. His breath caught in his throat and he took her chin in a firm grip, tilting her face up to crush his lips to hers. She made a muffled sound of need and clung to him, raking her nails across his strong shoulders.

He pressed her against the wall, supporting her with both hands under her ass. The tail swished across his fingers, which twitched as their owner felt no telltale lines of underwear. Nuada pulled away, breaking the passionate kiss with a groan of reluctance. She made a strangled sound of desire and pulled herself up on his shoulders to reach his mouth again.

"No," he said roughly, shaking his head. "Not here, not rutting in the shadows like human peasants." He unpeeled her from his body, then reached into the pocket of his breeches. "Take this, and meet me later," he commanded.

Her fur mussed, the slit pupils dilated with lust, she nodded eagerly and accepted the key he gave her.

He kissed her abruptly once more, their teeth scraping each other's lips. Katya made a begging sound in her throat and wrapped herself around him again. He growled deep in his chest, pushing her back against the wall. The long fingers of his right hand buried themselves in her hair and pulled her head back to expose her throat, drawing another sound of need from her. Nuada smiled ferally and bit the side of her neck hard enough to bruise, sending that low sound into a spiraling cry. He slid his other hand up under her t-shirt.

Ivory skin and sable fur tangled together for several more minutes, before Nuada withdrew again with a mighty effort of will. "Meet me later," he repeated, his words heated with desire. "But hurry."

With that final command, he was gone. Katya sagged against the wall, about to claw her way up it in frustration.

* * *

Studying the wall maps was useless. Several things like "gym," "kitchen," and "library" were clearly marked, but "Sexy White Elf's Room" was nowhere to be found. Katya blew a breath out from between her teeth, and mentally noted a large cluster of unlabeled rooms beyond the library which seemed small enough to be private rooms. Turning in that direction, she walked down the hallway and passed the library.

Katya stopped suddenly as the library door opened behind her. "Oh! Agent Lincson. How surprising to find you right here," said a cheerfully polite voice. Abe strolled too casually from the library to greet her. "I just... happened to be in the mood for a brief walk. How are you?"

"I'm feeling very well, thank you," she purred, turning back towards him, the aggressive prince forgotten. "Agent Sapien, correct?"

He winced a little self-consciously. "Horrible name, I know. My friends call me Blue, which - er, now that I think of it, isn't much better..."

Abe smelled like the ocean, and rushing waves, and fish. Mostly fish. Katya licked her lips and purred again. "I would call you whatever you want," she said, stroking the backs of her fingers up his chest. "Whenever you wanted."

"Oh my..." he said, his large blue-on-black eyes blinking rapidly. His gills fluttered, flushing nearly purple in reaction. "I, er... You're a most fascinating woman. Cat. Person. Presence." Each word made him wince again, and his diffidence made him irresistable after legions of male arrogance. "I was wondering if... perhaps... you'd care to visit the library? Maybe listen to some music? I have a considerable collection of-"

His sentence cut off in startlement as she ran her tongue over his lips. "I'm not interested in music," she purred. The texture of his skin fascinated her - damp, but not. Salty, but not, she realized as she gave in to impulse and bent down to lick his neck just under the angle of his jaw.

"Me neither," he muttered. "Oh, but I do have to tidy things up a bit - here, take this and please, _please_, come back in a few minutes?"

She looked down at the brass object curiously. "Is that a key?"

Abe nodded. "To my pool - er, well, to be honest... to my fishtank. You- you don't have a problem with water, do you?"

"I love to swim," she murmured, licking the edge of his ear. The flavor of the sea exploded over her tongue and she nibbled on it.

His eyes slid shut and he shivered. "Oh, excellent," he said distantly. "Can you hold your breath?"

"For a verrrrrrrrry long time," she promised.

"Me too," he breathed. "Hurry back. No! Wait right here - I won't be but a few minutes."

Abe dashed back into the library and Katya inspected her nails while he did... whatever... in there. A slight movement to her right caught her attention and she looked to see a tiny wisp of smoke curling from underneath another door. Her tail twitched in sudden interest and she prowled over to it, her head cocked to one side as she watched it avidly.

As if some kind of suction had been activated, the wisp retreated back under the door just as she pounced. The lovely felinoid pouted, then her attention sharpened once more as another wisp drifted out from under another door. Still crouching from the first unsuccessful attack, she wiggled her rear slightly, then leaped for the little curl of mist again.

Again, it was sucked away before she caught it and she growled low in her throat. The growl was swallowed suddenly as she saw another, larger ribbon of white gas cavorted lazily just beyond the corner where her hallway met another one in a T-junction. Her muscles coiled and released as she sprang at it again, sliding across the polished floor right past the wisp to crash into the opposite wall. Stars sparkled in her vision and she swiped at them.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that," came a softly accented voice.

She blinked the stars away to see a man - or, maybe not - standing just before her, just in front of the corner to the hallway she'd just slid in from. The wisp retreated back into the finger of his glove and he clanked over to her. Bowing formally, he offered her a gloved hand. She took it and he helped her to her feet.

"My apologies," he said warmly - for a fog-man. "I was only trying to entice you over here. I thought it would be rather crude to simply accost you as you went about your business."

As he spoke, another thin streamer of mist poured out of his glove and drifted up to her nose. She could almost feel the touch of a fingertip before she swiped at it again. He chuckled hollowly in the glass dome of his helmet. "Dr. Krauss," she said, recalling him from a very brief introduction earlier.

"Ja," he replied. "Und you are Katya, correct?"

The accent was too delicious and she craved to hear more. The felinoid nodded, her deep blue eyes darting to follow the wisp that continued to dance lazily before her face. He laughed again and waved his finger slowly, causing the gaseous ribbon to curl temptingly before her.

"There is something of which I must speak with you," Johann added, keeping her quite distracted with the tendril of his ectoplasmic form. "If you would be so good as to follow me, mein kätzchen, I would prefer someplace more private to discuss a certain attribute of yours. It is quite the effect you are having on the rest of the agents here, ja?"

Katya nodded again, still fascinated by the ectoplasm. She jumped up and caught it, only for the mist to slide harmlessly between her fingers. "My place or yours?" she asked breathily, still feeling faint echoes of touch every time the wisp brushed across her fur. It was maddeningly erotic.

"Mine, of course," he replied. "Und you will need this."

She looked down at the molded black loop key in his other hand, wondering what it was for. It was something she'd seen once before, when another agent had opened a valve on a tank of nitrous oxide. "You sleep in a gas tank?" she asked.

"Nein, mein leiben," he replied seductively, "but you will need the extra oxygen before I am through with you!"

A low mrrowr rumbled in her throat and she eagerly hooked her arm through the one he gallantly offered her.


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: Whoops. I think I need to up the rating now... 'M' stuff ahead. Consider yourselves warned.  
_

* * *

**23 Nov 08, 1536 hours**

Nuada stalked back and forth in his room. Manning had called it 'palatial' when he'd made arrangements for the prince and the princess to stay at the BPRD for an indefinite time, but the single room with its narrow bed, small bathroom and smaller sitting room was a hovel compared to Nuada's royal suite while he was growing up. The burgundy and black patterned carpet cushioned his booted feet, but the curling designs with touches of scarlet were a poor replacement for the blue and green silkwool rugs that warmed the marble floors of his old rooms, and which had been soft enough and sensuous enough on the skin that he slept on them before his enormous fireplace more than once.

The bed was laughable, especially since he was expecting company. Where was the feline siren? He ached to resume the shadowed activity from before. It had been a very, very long time since he'd engaged in any sport with another female. Exile among humans narrowed his available choices down to mainly, well, humans, and Nuada would sooner let his manhood fall off than contaminate himself with a human's touch. Although now and then, temptation did run so very high...

He shook his head sharply to banish the thought. Katya was perfect, and for him, quite sufficient to satisfy a very long lifetime of desires. He could almost imagine, in fact, several feats of carnal acrobatics that were normally only possible with other fey. Katya's boneless flexibility promised that such acts wouldn't be trapped in imagination for long.

He halted in mid-step, his eyes closing as the remembered sensation of her hands on his flesh replayed itself, sending shivers under his skin along the mnemonic path. The way she touched his chest, stroked it with hands softened by fur... The feel and taste of her mouth and the soft begging sounds she made... He growled as the memories tumbled over each other, growing in intensity until he could swear he was being touched again.

His gold eyes snapped open in stunned realization; _he _wasn't being touched... Nuala was!

Four help him... was that a tongue? Down there?! His legs gave out and he dropped to one knee, panting as erotic sensations exploded up his body from a part that he didn't even have. _Sister_, he thought faintly.

Nuada almost sensed a fleeting moment of apology from her, before that tongue - whose was it anyway? - continued its work and ripped her attention from him. He mirrored Nuala's moans, his breathing growing harsher as hers did. Long centuries of living apart, coupled with the machinations of their father had given each of them some ability to shield the other out of thought and heart. However, Nuada's willpower was in shreds, thanks to Katya, and Nuala was certainly far more occupied with her partner than with her brother's enforced voyeurism.

The prince bit his lip, trying vainly to keep back the worst of the onslaught, but his own treacherous need undermined his determination. Every kiss upon Nuala's fair skin branded themselves on his own. Each scrape of teeth or swipe of tongue left indelible ghosts of sexual claiming on his muscled body. Every soft thrust of fingers made him arch his back in echoed pleasure. _Nuala_, he whispered mentally, the willpower that could normally propel his thoughts to her across miles now worn threadbare. _Sister, please..._

A brief flash of warning from her was all he had before her orgasm ripped through him, drawing out a ragged cry to match his twin's. Nuada collapsed to his hands and knees, panting in shared aftermath, and altogether uncertain whether to feel violated or exhilarated.

The indecision evaporated from his mind as Nuala and her lover began again.

**23 Nov 08, 1610 hours**

Abe swam back and forth in his tank. Though it was a far cry better than the tube he'd been found in, it still lacked the freedom of open water. Four strong strokes of his arms and legs could easily cover the distance from one of the tank to the other, and another one-and-a-half to cross it from side to side. Abe had thought it palatial when it was built; Professor Bruttenholm had apologized to him profusely for such poor accommodations.

Why had Katya left? He berated himself over and over for making her wait outside. If she cared nothing for music, then she probably didn't care about all the books of poetry he and... and... what's-her-name had left scattered in the library. He hadn't wanted Katya to think that he was so cavalier about precious books, but the empty hallway he'd seen after a flurry of reshelving had driven home to him how badly arranged his own priorities were. Katya was clearly fascinated with him, and probably wouldn't have even noticed the mess. And now she was gone.

He had hoped that she had only left to freshen herself up a little, and would be returning straight away. Abe had dashed back into the library and picked out some music to play, then changed his mind and switched out disks. He'd pondered just how he should present himself so to catch her attention immediately. He'd switched music again. Standing in the doorway of the library had lasted for only a few moments - he didn't want to look pathetically eager for her company. Then he switched music once more. Lounging semi-sexily on the steps before the fireplace had lasted for about ten seconds. The "semi" had become obvious after nine seconds. He'd gotten up and picked out a different CD again.

He had wanted to impress her with his grace and athleticism, and his native element was the best place to show off both. And she did have the key to his fishtank after all. Lazily stroking through the water, all the while his attention on the door, had lost its gilding as time had passed. As the minutes ticked into an hour, his swimming had turned into a more frenetic measuring of his tank. The muscles of his shoulders and chest flexed as he corrected - yet again - a list to his swimming. A certain appendage was stubbornly retaining an angle that interfered with his hydrodynamics and sent him slightly to the right.

That hour crawled by, then another. His worry began to slide into a sort of depression, as he questioned himself and what he had done - or not done - to drive the lovely agent away. He jerked suddenly as, garbled through the water of his tank, he heard a shriek that fell somewhere between a woman's scream and a feline screech.

_Katya!_ streamers of bubbles burst from his mouth as he shouted in the water. Powerful strokes of his legs sent him to the airlock at the side of his tank and the damned thing took forever to cycle. Abe slapped at it impatiently, hearing another drawn-out cry. "I'm coming, Katya," he shouted back to his real true love, squeezing through the door just as it was opening.

In the hallway he nearly collided with Hellboy and Nuada, and he felt a pang of hot jealousy at the realization that they were responding to her screams too. Out of the corner of his eye, Abe saw Manning and several agents rush around the corner, also alerted to Katya's cries.

"Shit-shit-shit," Hellboy swore. "Liz wanted to kill her earlier, but I didn't think she'd actually catch up to her."

Abe hoped they could get Liz off Katya before the angelic agent was too badly harmed. And without getting themselves killed in the process. Liz had such a temper. "Well, thank goodness Princess Nuala is not so willing to commit violence," he said.

Nuada gave him a flat look and pointed to the fresh scar on his own bare chest. Abe shut up.

**23 Nov 08, 1615 hours**

They raced down the hallway, following the sounds of Katya's shrieks, until they came to the room that seemed to be the source. Nuada threw his shoulder against it immediately, and Hellboy pulled him back. "Buddy, where are your manners?" he asked. "Don't you know you gotta knock around here?"

With that said, he lifted his massive stone hand and hammered on the door. It splintered inward after three blows, and the three of them, along with Manning and most of the BPRD staff, pushed their way in. They halted in shock, the agents in the rear colliding with the special agents in the front, at the vision before them.

Katya was writhing on the floor near a green oxygen tank, still clothed, her body arching almost impossibly high. Another strangled cry of ecstasy tore out of her throat, and the men shifted as their bodies responded to the sound. Pale smoke wrapped around her sable form, vaporous tendrils working their way into every orifice she had.

Strangely, Manning was the first to recover his wits. "Dr. Krauss," he demanded. "What are you _doing _to her?!"

The disembodied voice of the Austrian agent echoed in the room. Wisps of mist lifted from Katya's body, tangling together to create a face - of sorts. The forming expression looked disconcerted - if fog could appear so - but quickly regained his composure.

"Gentleman," the authoritative accent began. "I have deduced at last the strange attraction of Agent Lincson. It is nothing more than chemicals - pheromones, to be quite specific. Odorless, colorless organic airborne compounds which entice members of the opposite gender by signaling a readiness to mate. Und like any cat, it would appear that Agent Lincson is always ready to do just that."

"Yeah," Hellboy said. "But what are you doing to her?" He cocked his head to one side, marveling at how far she could twist herself in that direction...

"If you will kindly not interrupt," the fog admonished him. "Und, when you consider that the ventilation system of this complex is self-contained to protect from outside contamination, these pheromones have been circulating throughout our headquarters for the last few days, growing more und more concentrated as she continues -"

She arched violently and yowled again. Every man felt a sharp stab of arousal at the display.

"Hush, Agent Lincson," Johann said to her before continuing with his lecture. "-as she continues to produce more of them, then it is a simple path of logic to the disastrous effect it has had upon every corporeal being in this facility. It is obvious to me that all of you, und every other male agent in this complex, has had your judgment und discretion _severely _impaired by this chemical response."

Abe and Manning looked distressed, and Hellboy more so. The rest of the agents shuffled their feet in embarrassment as the weight of Johann's words brought home to them their own foolishness. Nuada, however, still eyed Katya hungrily.

After several moments of increasingly uncomfortable silence, Manning finally said, "So, uh, what do you recommend, Dr. Krauss? Should we transfer her to another field office?"

The ribbons of mist that were not otherwise occupied with Agent Lincson waved negligently. "Nein, that will not be necessary. I have control of her limbic system, gentlemen. Amygdala, hypothalamus, pituitary gland, dentate gyrus, nucleus accumbens und, most importantly, the orbitofrontal cortex are now under my command. With careful stimulation of all six, the chemical triggers are now suppressed. I think we all deserve a much needed break from these pesky pheromones, ja?"

Manning nodded, and the rest of the agents followed his lead. Hellboy looked like he wanted to fall through the floor and hide. Abe's thoughts turned to Nuala, and he wanted to curl in on himself in shame. Nuada still eyed Katya hungrily; the human sensibilities that handicapped the others didn't apply to the prince.

However as the human agents left the room and Hellboy and Abe turned to go with them, each of them took one of Nuada's arms and determinedly guided him out of Johann Krauss' room. The fragments of the door were pulled more or less back into place with a muttered apology from Hellboy.

Johann waved it off casually, waiting for the agents to leave and return to work. Or, better yet, to contemplate their behavior during the last few days. With any luck, sheer humiliation would make them avoid him for some time, and give him plenty of privacy.

In the smoky coils of his embrace, Katya squirmed and yowled again. "Now, mein wildes kätzchen," he murmured to her. "Let us see what else I can stimulate while I am in here..."

The next yowl blossomed into a full-throated scream of pleasure.

* * *

_Footnotes: Johann is a complete gentleman, and I am of the opinion that he can be quite the scoundrel as well when he deems it necessary. With his penchant for using big words, it's all too easy for him to prevaricate, obfuscate and engage in solecisms (abuses of language) with those of lesser intellect. To illustrate that, here are what those six areas of the limbic system actually do...  
_

_Amygdala: Involved in signaling the cortex of motivationally significant stimuli such as those related to reward and fear in addition to social functions such as mating.  
Hypothalamus: Regulates the autonomic nervous system via hormone production and release. Affects and regulates blood pressure, heart rate, hunger, thirst, sexual arousal, and the sleep/wake cycle.  
Pituitary gland: secretes hormones regulating homeostasis.  
Dentate gyrus: thought to contribute to new memories and to regulate happiness.  
Nucleus accumbens: Involved in reward, pleasure, and addiction.  
Orbitofrontal cortex: Required for decision making. _

_Put bluntly, doctors don't play fair. One more chapter after this - stay tuned!_


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: Final chapter and the last self-insertion you are likely to ever see from me. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

**23 Nov 08, 1635 hours**

Once outside, Manning did the only thing he could think of to salvage the shreds of his dignity. He glared at the other agents. "Well, I certainly hope this has proven a valuable lesson for all of you," he said sternly, avoiding the askance look Hellboy directed at him. "I think, all things considered, that a verbal warning is sufficient _but _next time you can all expect formal reprimands. Understood?"

A muttered hum of "Yes, sir,"s responded.

"Spoken like a true politician," Hellboy remarked. All the men stiffened and winced as they heard Katya shriek inside the room.

One agent raised his hand for attention. "Dr. Manning?" asked Silver.

"What is it?"

The dark-haired veteran of Hellboy's peculiar humor dropped his hand, "All things considered, would it be a good idea to change all the air filters and flush the system with outside air?"

Manning nodded. "Yes, yes, excellent initiative. See to it, Silver."

"Yeah," Hellboy smirked. "Hi-ho, Silver." The agent made a good-natured face at the demon and grinned, then left to take care of the worst of all their problems.

"As for the rest of you. I'm, uh, glad you all understand." Manning caught Hellboy's eyes for a split second and quickly looked away from the sardonic brimstone. The government man coughed uncomfortably. "Well, now," he shooed the agents away with his hands. "Get back to work." Still avoiding Hellboy's stare like the plague - and they both _knew _the demon was going to use this later - he took his leave with the rest of the men.

Abe sighed. "We need to find the girls," he said. Hellboy nodded. They began to walk away, then realized someone was staying behind. Nuada was looking back at the fractured door to Johann's room, his expression conflicted between longing and aggression. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, highlighting an evident internal argument.

Hellboy grinned and whispered to Abe, "He's got it bad." The smaller man nodded as he added, "As friends, we gotta help him."

His blue friend looked a little wary. "Red, I don't think he _wants _our help..."

"You'll score points with Nuala, buddy."

Blue-on-black eyes blinked twice, then Abe went immediately to Nuada and put a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "Your Highness," he began, his voice a little nervous at first, but grew stronger when the prince didn't immediately break him. "Nuada?" he asked, earning a sharp look from the prince for the unsolicited familiarity. The fish-man jerked his hand back, but barreled on ahead anyway, "I think, er, you need to be introduced to Mr. Barry Manilow."

"And señor Tecate," Hellboy added, coming up on Nuada's other side.

"Who?" the prince asked suspiciously.

"Beer, Prince Charming," the demon replied. "Lots of it. I think you really want some right now." He gave Abe a broad wink over Nuada's head. Abe stared back in confusion at first, then his blue skin flushed nearly black as he realized what Hellboy was _really _suggesting.

Long white hair swayed as the Elf shook his head. "No. I rarely indulge even in wine. My body is a temple."

"It's about to become an amusement park," Abe assured him.

"C'mon, Highness," Hellboy said jovially, clapping his stone hand on Nuada's back. The Elf was knocked forward and they continued to the library. "I'm sure Abe's gonna thank you in the morning."

Nuada gave the demon a narrow look. "What _precisely _do you mean by that?"

**23 Nov 08, 1944 hours**

The fire hissed and crackled comfortingly, its flames reflected in the depths of Nuada's gold eyes. He was staring at the fire, along with Abe and Hellboy, several empty cans of beer scattered around them. All three of them had the soft, almost unfocused expressions of men who know they're drunk and are trying very hard to keep anyone else from noticing.

"Look," Hellboy said, the edges of his words blurred by Tecate. "There's no shame in coming up short when it comes to erotic fiction. I just happen to have more fangirls. Accept it, embrace it, and move on."

This debate had been going on for some time, fueled in its intensity by male pride, cheap beer and the author quietly tapping away by the bookshelves. Nuada fidgeted in place a little and scowled at the fire, not liking the conversation thus far. Hellboy had him trapped, both literally and metaphorically - the three of them were sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace, with the Elf somehow ending up between Hellboy and Abe. In addition to not liking the proximity of either, Hellboy had an irrefutable point that Nuada could not logic away: the demon did, in fact, have more erotic fiction to his credit. It left a bad taste in Nuada's mouth.

"Mine are more devoted," Nuada replied with a sniff. It was a weak rally, but still a rally.

"And my fangirls are more creative," Abe said plaintively, with an extravagant wave of his arm. "Who cares? We're still not getting laid."

Hellboy caught his friend's eye over the prince's head and mouthed, _Yet_.

"I heard that," Nuada said in a dour tone, still staring at the fire.

The demon crushed an empty can easily in his right hand. "What, you're going to begrudge Abe a little fun just because you can't find anyone in this story willing to polish your noodle? It's called practice, buddy. The more you get," he poked Nuada in the chest with a stone finger, making the unsteady prince rock in place, "the more you _get _to get. Get it?"

The pale Elf looked mortally offended. He drew himself fully upright where he sat, still swaying slightly from the beer. "In ten... thousand... years..." he emphasized each word with graceful gestures of his hands, "of pleasuring women, I have _never _left my partner wanting."

"Seeing as how all of that was with your sister, I wouldn't brag about that if I were you," Hellboy said sardonically. Abe snorted beer through his nose.

"Not all of it," Nuada muttered defensively.

Hellboy picked up another beer and popped it open to foam over his hand. "Mhmm... name one that ain't the princess."

"A siren," Nuada said immediately. He accepted the beer the demon gave him and drank deeply, no longer cringing from the taste. "Lovely little water sprite. And" he added with a superior grin of erotic memory, "she could take _any _form imaginable."

Abe and Hellboy both looked impressed. "Oooh, good one," Hellboy said. "Okay, another."

"An ekek," the Elf replied with a shudder.

The demon grinned, "That good, eh?"

"She was a cannibal." Red and blue recoiled with sounds of horror, the beer making it all too easy for their minds to produce fuzzy but graphic possibilities. Abe crossed his legs almost primly; Hellboy nearly bent over himself to shield his body from his imagination. They both missed the smirk on Nuada's dark lips as the prince took another drink of his beer.

"All right," Abe slurred when all three of them had put the flesh-eating ekek out of mind. "Anything not weird or dangerous?"

The prince seemed to ignore him and stared at the fire again. One arm rested on his knee, the silver can dangling from his long fingers. Minutes crawled by in silence while Nuada finished the beer.

"Well?" Abe finally said impatiently as Hellboy took a drink.

"I'm thinking!" Nuada snapped.

It was Hellboy's turn to snort beer through his nose. He coughed, laughing between gasps for breath. "Ok, ok, you get extra points for being adventurous," he conceded. "Perverted, but adventurous. Did that ekek do anything... um..." he waved his left hand vaguely at the prince's lower half. "Permanent?"

"Why don't you ask your friend?" the prince asked.

"Buddy, that's just wrong on so many levels."

"I meant," the Elf replied frostily, "that anything so disfiguring would be reflected upon Nuala as well, and that Abraham would possibly know this. Either through conversation," he gave Abe a dangerous look, "or by observing it himself." The look turned lethal.

Abe swallowed hard and reached for the second to last beer. "I don't discuss crude things with the princess," he said. "We discuss poetry and history and science and... and..." His icthyoid features crumbled, "Oh, what does it matter? After the way I've behaved, she'll never want to talk to me again."

The mood immediately went from beer-fuddled camaraderie to alcohol-deepened depression. Hellboy grimaced. "Yeah... Liz and I are probably on the outs for good this time. She saw me playing tonsil hockey with Agent Lincson."

Abe winced and handed the beer across to the demon. "I think you need this more than me."

Hellboy took it, tossing back the rest of his earlier beer in a single swallow. His craggy face was glum. "We're in serious trouble, brother Blue."

"Yeah." That one word dropped into the silence, adding to the ripples of their misery.

"I have an idea," the demon said. He leaned over to Abe, his broad shoulders pushing Nuada over to lean as well. His voice dropped to a drunken conspiratorial whisper, "I think we oughta just hide under our beds - or whatever it is you use - until the end of time."

Abe nodded. "Sounds good to me."

Nuada pushed the demon back irritably. "Cowards, both of you," he said in disgust. "Have you no faith in your supposed loves? Do you think that Elizabeth and _my sister_" he glared at Abe, who had the grace to blush again, "are so shallow as to hold your hearts cheaply? Do you truly believe that either one lacks the wisdom and compassion to understand and forgive?"

Hellboy gulped half of the beer in one mouthful as he untangled all those long words, then pondered their meanings. "Damn. I think we just got told, Blue."

The fish-man was watching Nuada uncertainly. The prince stared back levelly, not blinking until the tension between them grew too much for Abe. "I don't understand," he finally blurted out. "You enjoy beating me up whenever you get the chance, you stare daggers at me if I even mention her name, and you clearly don't think I'm worthy of her at all. Now you're telling me to go talk to her to save our relationship? Make up your mind already!"

The silver can was twirled carelessly by ivory fingertips, then twisted abruptly and crushed into a small package of crumpled aluminum. "I have," the Elf replied, sounding more sober than the other two put together. "The only man who would be worthy of my sister is-"

"You?" Hellboy muttered.

"-someone who will fight for her," Nuada continued, ignoring the demon's comment with only a sharp look. "If your love is true, then not even I should be able to deter you from pursuing her."

Abe cocked his head to one side, his mouth dropping open in an 'O' of sudden understanding.

The prince looked down at the crumpled can in his hand with an odd expression and shook his head. "And you have your friend "señor Tecate" to thank for even that much information. Must I paint a portrait for you to understand?"

"Let's go find the girls," Abe said suddenly, getting to his feet. He threw his arms out to regain his balance, then lowered them again once his center of gravity stopped moving. He started walking, or rather weaving, to the main doors of the library.

Hellboy looked up at him, the beer nearly finished. "You sure, brother Blue?"

"Yup," Abe replied, trying to decide which doors were the real ones. "Let's go find them. At least if he's wrong about them forgiving us, it'll be a quick death."

The demon snorted as he got to his feet to follow. "Buddy, I love your optimism when you're hammered."

Nuada watched them silently as they left. His dark lips split in a sudden grin as he picked up the last beer and popped it open. He got to his feet with a bit more grace - but only a bit - than Abe did, and went over to the author still tapping away in front of the volumes of poetry. She glanced up at him as he approached, pushing her glasses back into place as he sat on the edge of table on which her laptop rested. "So, what will you be writing next?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," Ari replied. "Most of the time it's all off the top of my head. Right now I'm just on the dialogue between you and me." The prince nodded, taking a drink from the beer and she looked a little concerned. "Have you had anything to eat with that?"

"You know full well I have not," he replied. "Just as you know full well it hasn't occurred to me in _your _story to put my shirt on."

"Can you blame a girl?" she asked with a grin.

"And stop whistling while I'm in the shower," he added, wiping the grin from her face. "I do, however, have a suggestion for the ending of your tale..."

With that, he leaned over and whispered into Ari's ear. After the initial shivering caused by his voice, she listened carefully and her eyes widened suddenly. "Again?"

"Of course," he replied. "But... those two should walk in on them, don't you think?"

The author smiled shyly, "You are the Prince. Your wish is my command."

Nuada patted her on the head. "That's a good fangirl. Now, continue," he instructed. She nodded and bent her head back over her writing, tapping away furiously on the keyboard. He glanced over her shoulder at the computer screen and one eyebrow lifted. "There already?" he asked with some surprise.

"Typing eighty words a minute has its uses," Ari replied. "You may want to, um, sit down or something for this..."

((Scene edited out by royal decree))

**23 Nov 08, 2207 hours**

After thoroughly searching the kitchen, gym, recreational areas, kennels and infirmary with no success, Abe and Hellboy were beginning to get worried. Taking their search into unoccupied rooms had been the next step, and after there was still no sign of either Nuala or Liz, they expanded their search into the occupied ones. Some of the rooms had been walked through by one or the other, but others - like Manning's - only got a quick glance so as not to disturb the sleeping occupant. Hellboy made a mental note to come back and get digital photos of Manning cuddling a stuffed penguin while he slept. One never knew when blackmail material would be needed.

Finally, more than two hours after they'd left the library, they found themselves at the door to Hellboy's room. The demon looked at the door with a mix of self-deprecating humor and disgust. "Why didn't we check here first?" he asked.

Abe shrugged and pointed down the hallway to where Ari was sitting in a corner, tapping away on her laptop.

"Ah," Hellboy said in understanding. He looked back at the door, took a deep breath, and pulled it open. Brimstone and Mediterranean eyes went perfectly round at the sight within.

In the spacious bed crafted from the back end of a truck, Liz and Nuala were sleeping. Neither had a stitch of clothing on, and only the blankets caught up in the tangle of their bodies and strategically napping cats offered any modesty at all. Both looked even more angelic than normal in sleep, although Nuala's white-gold hair was mussed and wound into Liz's shorter ebony bob. The princess' face was tucked up against Liz's neck, and her body covered most of the pyrokinetic's, leaving a lot of alabaster skin showing between the blankets.

All around them and on the floor were strange things: a half-empty can of sliced peaches, honey, butter, a can of whipped cream, two cucumbers, an eggplant, a discarded bottle of chocolate syrup and an empty strawberry basket. Abe mentally catalogued the objects with nothing more than curiosity. Hellboy, well aware of Liz's kinks, swallowed hard as his pants seemed suddenly smaller. There were fresh residues of flavorings and food items visible on both their bodies. If he and Abe had gotten here any sooner, they might very well have seen...

_Five... four... three..._ Hellboy mentally counted. _Two... one..._

"My God!" Abe exclaimed as realization hit him. His blue skin turned a dark shade of indigo and Hellboy shushed him before he yelped again. "Red," he whispered harshly, "why- I mean, who- I mean, what-"

"Because we've been jerks," Hellboy said. "And no, nobody else has seen this, and even if we won't be forgiven, it's still a pretty picture."

Liz's obsidian eyes slitted open. In her arms, Nuala stirred and murmured sleepily. "Forgiven?" Liz asked mildly.

"Uh, yeah," Hellboy muttered as he looked down.

"Can't hear you all the way over there," she said. Nuala lifted her head to look over her shoulder, her amber eyes blinking in the light at the two of them. Her sun-kissed lips curved in a small smile and she turned her face back to Liz's neck to nuzzle the human's skin. Liz crooked a finger at the boys and they approached the bed, looking for all the world like guilty schoolboys lacking only hats to wring in their hands.

Hellboy tried again, lassoing his words carefully as Nuala continued to nibble on his girlfriend. "What I was trying to say was... uh... we - me especially - have been... uh..." he trailed off as Nuala worked her way under the blanket covering Liz's breasts. Abe was staring openly.

"Been jerks?" Liz asked.

He swallowed and nodded. "Yeah."

"And what else?"

"Uh..." he looked to Abe for some assistance, then elbowed the other man still staring at the two women. "Blue, help me out here."

"Er," Abe stammered, unable to tear his eyes off of the tip of Nuala's tongue against Liz's collarbone. The other woman slid a hand lazily down Nuala's back, under the sheet. Both men gulped. "I... would say... we've been horribly inconsiderate?"

"Go on," Nuala purred. Liz gasped as the princess bit down.

"...and exercised... poor judgment?"

Hellboy whapped him on the shoulder, using his left hand so he wouldn't pulverize Abe. "We've been stupid," the demon said bluntly. "We had a really good thing with you girls, and then Lincson showed up, and - and our brains turned off. We don't deserve you at all, but we're really hoping you'll overlook that."

"And we're sorry," Abe interjected.

"Very, very, very sorry," Hellboy added.

Liz smiled, tracing a fingertip up Nuala's spine. Both Abe and Hellboy couldn't take their eyes off the motion. The princess arched under the touch, her breath catching in her throat and Abe swallowed a groan. "What do you think, Nuala?" Liz asked.

The Elf looked back over her shoulder at them again, mischief playing around the golden curve of her mouth. "I'm not sure," she said airily. "Since they've been occupied today, we've both discovered there are other... what is the term?... Fish in the ocean?"

Abe's gills wilted. "True," Liz giggled.

"And things didn't work out with Agent Lincson, so now they're back here." Nuala pouted, snuggling back into Liz's embrace. "No woman wants to feel like she's the consolation prize."

"Also true," the darker woman murmured, giving Hellboy a sweetly sadistic smile. The demon looked like he would rather be getting fitted for a prom dress than be here. "And they are pretty pathetic, aren't they? Just look at them."

"Very," Nuala agreed, her voice muffled against Liz's skin. Her hands had vanished under the covers some time ago, and the blankets were shifting with the motions underneath. "But, does it not then fall upon us to set a better example? Forgive them?" Red and blue faces came up with sudden glows of hope.

"On one condition," the human replied. Both faces fell again.

"What's that?" Hellboy asked.

Both women glanced at each other, then surged up from the bed to catch Abe and Hellboy's arms and pull the two back down with them. The truck bed creaked ominously under the weight of four bodies. Blue and red and white and black tangled together, with tail and fins only adding to the complication of limbs. Love was reaffirmed as absolution was found in lips and hands and the slide of skin.

The cats fled in terror as the boys were enthusiastically forgiven.

* * *

_There ya go, a happy ending!_


	7. Silly epilogue

_Author's Note: The previous chapter really was supposed to be the last one, but some of the reviews inspired this addition. This is the _last_-last self-insertion you'll see from me, and yes, I _do _talk to the fictional characters I write about. So far, nobody's caught me doing the Fight Club thing._

* * *

Ari blinked and yawned, crawling out the sucking gelatinous mass that was her afternoon nap. Work had been hell. And dull. Dull hell - the worst kind there was. At least with your grocery-shelf sort of hell, there was some excitement whenever your luck racked off, but what else could a girl expect from civil service? Not anything interesting, surely.

She scrubbed at her eyes with both hands and got up in stages from the couch. Living with small children - and why did Mom's I-hope-you-have-children-just-like-you curse have to be so effective? - had given Ari a certain immunity to being awoken by little things like earthquakes and the sonic booms of speeding jets. Only if the kids actually jumped on her, which rarely happened more than a dozen times a day, would she get dragged out of sleep.

First, she looked for the kids. There, in front of the TV, were two small shapes enthralled by the cartoon adventures of Spongebob. She fumbled for her glasses, frowning as her hand encountered nothing but empty space on the coffee table where she'd laid them before going to sleep. She felt down on the carpet, the arm of the couch that had served as a pillow, even the sleeping cat on the back of it. The cat gave Ari an annoyed look before taking herself and her ruffled pride over to sleep on top of the bookcase.

"Damn it," she muttered, bending down to squint at the floor. "Where are Mommy's glasses?"

It took four repeats of the question before her son responded. "Mommy, you're awake!"

Saying things like 'Precisely, Darth Obvious,' was not, according to Dr. Spock, conducive to raising children. She smiled and nodded, "Yes, sweetie. Mommy's awake. Mommy is also blind. Mommy wants her glasses or she's going to sell you two to a pet store."

He chortled, used to odd threats like this. "Alice wanted to try your glasses on."

Ari sighed. Alice was the cat. "She's not wearing them now. Where are they?"

"Where are what?"

No, it was not fully legal to bake the kids into pies. "My glasses," she said patiently. "Where are my glasses?"

"Over here," said a shape sitting at her computer.

She couldn't see much more than a vague, pale blob in front of the glowing blob of her computer screen, but she'd fantasized about that voice too many times not to know who was sitting there. "Don't tell me _you _were watching the kids while I was asleep?"

"I _do _have some experience with herding small beasts," Nuada replied mildly. "I had to lay a few snares to cease the incessant running through the house, but fortunately they found something wholly inane to distract themselves. Do all children engage in bouts of frantic energy followed by that?" he asked, waving a hand at the two children who were still sitting perfectly still.

She nodded and sighed. "Yes, it's normal. They're recharging."

"Ah," he replied, looking back at the screen. He tapped the edge of the desk with a long, elegant finger, indicating where the glasses were. "I don't know if this is a common thing in your parenting strategy," he added as she picked them up and settled them on her nose. "But your daughter was wearing them and seemed to delight in running into the walls while doing so."

Ari sighed again, took off the glasses and bent the frame more or less back into place. "No, it's not common. It's my own fault for leaving them where the kids could reach." She glanced at the computer screen and her eyebrows drew together. "What are you reading?"

He rested his chin on one hand as he read. "Your reviews," he said simply.

"What?" she yelped. "I don't even let my husband read those!"

"Mommy!" her daughter crowed, just now noticing Ari was awake. The author made a low 'oof' sound as the five-year-old barreled into her midsection. "Spongebob is over. Can I watch Tom and Jerry?"

Nuada waited while Ari changed the program before continuing the briefly interrupted conversation. "Then it is a good thing I am not your husband," he remarked, using the mouse to scroll down a page. "You know, I happen to agree with some of these most recent comments."

"The ones that gush about how sexy you are?"

"Those too," he leaned back in her chair, and the light from the monitor cast the chiseled muscles of his chest and stomach into sharp relief. Even in "real life," she imagined him without a shirt. So far, if he hadn't mentioned it, she wasn't going to either. "I was, however, referring to these... here, here and here."

Ari glanced at where he was pointing. "The ones that were voting for you to get laid?" she asked, puzzled.

"None other," Nuada replied. "I find it somewhat distressing that in a story written by one of _my _fangirls, I get left out of such activities."

"What about the face-sucking in the corner?" she protested. "And the lesbian-by-proxy sex - which you got plenty of, I might add?"

He let his head fall back against the chair and rolled it to look lazily up at her. The gold in the dark pits of his eyes glimmered with amusement. "Teasing and more teasing," he said. "You really don't understand men very well at all, do you?"

She crossed her arms and gave him an offended look. "Are you referring to the 'if I can't screw it, I'll kill it' mentality?"

Nuada blinked, then conceded, "Very well, you do understand men somewhat. But, knowing that, you would still write such scenes without allowing your subject some form of release?"

"You 'released' all over the floor of your room and the library," she pointed out.

"Not the same," he said with a sigh, looking back at the reviews. He tabbed out of the Firefox browser and went back to another window that displayed the contents of one of the drives. The fine hair fell over his shoulders, shading from moon-white to gold at the tips. She tried to resist pushing some of it back, but decided to give into temptation. This was her fantasy after all. "Not nearly the same," he repeated slowly. Was that... _longing_... in his voice?

The wistfulness under his words made her eyes widen. "Nuada..." she said slowly, sitting on the arm of the couch that was tucked against the side of the desk. "You sound like either you're setting up some false confidence on my part before you break my neck, or that you're letting your closet romantic show."

The prince smirked, "Closet romantic... you'll have to remember that for a story later."

"Don't worry, I will. And you didn't answer me."

"I noticed," he said dryly, lifting his arms to stretch slowly like a cat. Her attention was immediately diverted by the flex and play of muscles under his ivory skin as he arched in her chair, then lowered his arms again to lace his fingers together over his stomach. "My 'closet romantic' is something you really haven't addressed," he commented.

"You don't strike me as a romantic all that often, unless it's with Nuala," Ari replied.

"Only because you haven't bothered to ponder it that much," he retorted.

She lifted one foot up onto the arm of the couch, folding her arms around the knee next to her chest. "I have so," she said. "I think that, under the right circumstances, you'd be a very devoted, mushy, romantic, hypnotic lover. I just haven't imagined the circumstances yet, and between you and me and the rest of the FFN community, your dislike of humans is obvious enough that there's no way you'd fall in love with one. In fact, aside from your twin, I don't think anyone could wiggle past enough of your defenses to be more than a dalliance."

He inclined his white head slightly in acknowledgment. "Are you so afraid of your darker side?" he asked lightly.

Ari's eyes narrowed behind the glasses. There was a small smile playing about his lips. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

Nuada rolled another indolent look at her. "Kain," he said simply.

"That's not fair."

"It's perfectly fair," he replied. "Your fascination with that other character has led to a remarkably full file of quite interesting fiction on your computer."

"Oh no," she said, recognizing the window and which drive it was looking at. "You did _not _read those!"

"I did," he said smugly. "I must say, you have a way with dominance and making your Kain somewhat softer and more affectionate without taking away from his... what is the term? You've used it to describe me before as well."

Her voice was muffled by the hands covering her face. "Badassness," she replied. "Why did you go snooping through my stories? Nobody has read most of those!"

"And I can see why. This one about the X-men is rather old, isn't it?"

She glared at him between her fingers. "Say it sucks. I dare you. Your next story will be slash and you _will _be on the bottom."

Nuada laughed, "No, I would like to think I'm possessed of more sense than to antagonize a writer. However, there is a marked difference in style and quality, and I was simply wondering why you do not rewrite them?"

"They're a roadmap," Ari explained. "Graduating from different levels of suckage to better ones. Rereading some of those-," and she leaned over to see which one he'd been in the middle of when she'd awoken, and cringed, "and especially that one - makes me feel a little better about posting stories now."

"I see," he said. "Why not keep them, then, and write updated versions?"

"I don't really have time," she pointed out. "Between work and school and kids, I barely have time to write about you."

He shrugged elegantly. Very few men could be graceful and still make it look manly. "Very well. But, I still think you should continue to explore your darker side. Kain is an excellent start, but really I think you could do better."

"I don't see you taking a human slave at all, except maybe during the early wars," she began. He grinned at her and she shook her head, "Huh-uh. Do you have any idea how hard it is to write period fiction without a history degree of some kind? _Fey _period fiction, no less? Plus, it'll be an OC and I'll get barbecued by flames. No way."

"I thought you'd resolved this with Wednesday and Ryan already," he remarked. "Not all original characters are Mary Sues. In fact, I'm not even certain your last one qualified," he said thoughtfully. "Since everyone miraculously came to their senses at the end there, thanks to that technique of yours."

"It was a parody," she said. "And the term you're looking for is _deus ex machina_, or 'god in the machine'. It's the term for any improbable contrivance in a story that provides the solution to a seemingly impossible problem."

"You do spend too much time on Wikipedia," Nuada said. "And, if you hadn't noticed, everyone came to their senses _before _Agent Silver cleansed the air system." He finished the older story and double-clicked on another.

"Oh, shut up about that plot hole," she said irritably. "Write it yourself if you can do better."

"I just might, since I'm not going to be having sex in any of _your _stories. You may want to rethink that fangirl thing. By the grace of the Four, you even wrote that _tin man_ having sex. Do you have any idea how much the other characters laugh at me?"

"All right!" Ari sighed explosively. "So, you're here now, not to watch my kids or to give me a bit of fantasy-thrill, but to complain that I don't give you enough spotlight?"

"I've no complaints about the spotlight," he said calmly as he read. "Only the lack of companionship. Thousands of years in exile, as you pointed out several times, gets quite lonely. Wink is my brother, not my lover."

She cringed. "Oh, I did _not _need that image."

"Consider it revenge for your threat about my next story."

"Fair enough," she said, hugging her knee again. She pushed her fingertips under the glasses to rub the bridge of her nose. "So, you want another story. You want to get laid in this story. And what else?"

"By a female," he said, raising a single finger.

"All right, all right. Get laid by a female. And?"

He turned his attention back to the dominance/submission story on the computer screen. "And I'd like you to rewrite this part, or write something similar, in more detail. You glossed over the most interesting tidbits."

"Pervert."

"Celibate," he corrected her. "Which is rather more dangerous, if you think about it. Do we have a deal?"

"What deal?" she asked. "You're issuing commands. Where is the bartering here?"

Nuada waved one hand dismissively. "I don't barter. Are you my vassal or not? I seem to have a vacancy among my retinue."


End file.
